Demolition Man was released in 1993 and was the highlight of my younger years. I recently re-watched it to see if it was as joy-joy as I remembered.
Mellow Greetings! I first saw this movie when I was a wee lass of 10 years in 1993 (my father didn’t believe in movie ratings) and it remained one of my favourites for many years afterwards. I would rewatch it obsessively when it was on television, and its one of the few DVDs I actually own, not that I have used a DVD in almost a decade anyway.
It’s been on my mind lately, as when we first really became aware of the coronavirus, the ensuing panic and resultant lack of toilet paper prompted me to post a Demolition Man gif with the tag – “No Touching! No Toilet Paper! Have a joy-joy day, we’re in the Demolition Man movie!” Multiple Demolition Man fans came out of the woodwork and it turns out I wasn’t the only one obsessed with this movie, and the mystery of the three seashells.
This movie has everything that you could possibly want – crazy technology in a future that is well in our past, baby versions of actors that went on to become movie staples, a semi-terrible plot, an amazing bad guy, cheesy dialogue, and an impressive commitment to continuity that has rarely been seen since. In short, I loved it.
Sylvester Stallone is John Spartan, a reckless cop who gets the job done, but usually by exploding things, hence the moniker, ‘Demolition Man’. He’s been after his nemesis, Simon Phoenix, a sociopathic gang leader, for years and finally has him trapped in the opening sequence. Wesley Snipes, in what I consider to be his best role ever, steals every scene as whackjob Phoenix, a baddie that is just… a bad guy. He doesn’t have an overly elaborate plan to take over the world, he’s not hiding his douchebaggery behind an intricate corporate plot, he doesn’t have a complicated backstory that makes his shittiness semi-understandable, he’s just a straight up psycho who likes to blow shit up and utterly delights in mayhem. He’s one of the most refreshing baddies around.
The premise of the movie is ridiculous, although in 1993 I guess they had high hopes for the future. Spartan arrests Phoenix in the opening scene which has Phoenix torch a building full of hostages. Phoenix goes to prison and so does Spartan, for negligence in getting the hostages killed. Because the movie is set in ‘the future’ of 1996 (lol), they are both cryogenically frozen and will be rehabilitated through subliminal learning. In 2032, Phoenix is thawed out for a parole hearing and manages to escape, somehow magically knowing all kinds of tips and tricks to survive in the future.
2032 however, is a utopian society of peace and harmony. They have eradicated violence, and the police are no longer equipped to handle things of such a beastly nature. In fact, they’ve done away with anything deemed to be ‘bad’ for you, swearing, meat, alcohol, sex, physical contact in general, you know all the good things that make life actually worth living. So when Phoenix murders a bunch of people to make his escape, the police stand around like a bunch of stunned mullets not sure what to do next. Lenina Huxley, a baby faced Sandra Bullock, an overenthusiastic policewoman with an obsession for ‘the brutal 20th century’ has the brilliant idea to thaw out Spartan. I mean he caught him once, why not again? Nobody else seems capable.
Spartan is the ultimate fish out of water. He does not fit in. At all. He’s a ‘brute’ who swears, much to the distaste of all around him, which is where two of the best gags in the whole film comes into play. Any time someone says anything remotely obscene, a buzzer will go BZZZZT and a robotic voice will say “John Spartan, you are fined one credit for violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.” Any time either he or Phoenix swear in the film (because the goody-two-shoes future people don’t), you hear the BZZZT. Phoenix shooting up a museum, monologue-ing to himself? BZZZT. Spartan is threatening a corporate douchebag? BZZZT. Beautiful. The second gag, ties into this. In the future toilet paper has been replaced by the three seashells. Everyone makes fun of Spartan for complaining about the lack of toilet paper and not knowing how to use the three seashells. The three seashells comes up a few times throughout the movie, but it’s one of life’s biggest mysteries because it is never explained! Spartan however has a brilliant idea. Just watch the clip, it’s easier than me explaining:
You will also note a baby Rob Schneider, for once not the most obnoxious person in the room, and a baby Benjamin Bratt, looking like the freshest, most eager, noob to ever grace the Earth. All the babies!
There’s a few other gems woven in there that contribute to its greatness. It’s very much a satirical look at society, one could even say ripped right out of Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (Hello, Lenina HUXLEY), so naturally the Utopia is not quite as Utopian as it appears on the surface, needing Spartan the Neanderthal to come and expose it for what it truly is. Dennis Leary makes an appearance as a reluctant revolutionary and does a very “Asshole”-esque rant about wanting to be able to do things just because he wants to. The dialogue is cheesy as fuck, but gives some great lines that are used in almost every conversation with my sister, such as “What seems to be your boggle?”, or “Have a joy-joy day”, or “Murder Death Kill”. Huxley explains to Spartan that Arnold Schwarzenegger became President (years before he became Governor of California, so it’s a damn fine joke in retrospect). There was a thing called “The Franchise Wars” and now all restaurants are Taco Bell. Sex is forbidden, and people require licenses and a visit to a lab to procreate because physical touch is a gigantic no-no. The Government heavily regulates everything and corporations rule. The vision of the future is somewhat frightening and rather bleak, although since it is now 2020, those predictions don’t exactly seem out of place.
Critics hated it. I loved it. A movie critic is about as useful as the futuristic San Angeles Police Department, which is to say completely inept if anything more sinister than a swear happens. This is not to say that the movie doesn’t have its issues, which it does. After Huxley shows she’s a secret badass and beats up a bad-guy, Spartan knocks her out and leaves her in the bad guy’s headquarters while he hunts down Phoenix. Apart from really annoying the feminist in me, hello, don’t just freaking leave her there unconscious you stupid ape! Spartan’s rehabilitation included knitting, and he rags on being a seamstress quite a bit, but mate, those knitting skills are going to come in handy come the apocalypse. Also, Daniel Sloss and Kai Humphreys knit and those fuckers are hilarious, so it is definitely something a man can do and still be cool. Let’s not discuss the science at all, or I’ll be here all night.
But if you can get past those itty bitty niggly things, it’s a hilariously great movie. It is worth it alone to see Wesley Snipes. Dude must have had SO much fun filming this, he genuinely just looks like he’s having the best time and for that, and the fact that his motivation was just to have fun, he is number one on my list of best ever movie villains. Totally going to cosplay as Simon Phoenix when we’re all allowed back out again.
TL;DR – Cheesy dialogue, lots of baby actors, greatest villain of all time, quotable quotes, and questionable science. 11/10.
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